Just feeling don’t know what

I have been running away from so many things in life for last few months, it is not possible to overlook all of them, but yes I admit to make mistakes. But my problem is being not able to say that, hands up I made mistake. For that part I have paid some heavy price in past and for some portion I am paying still. I never figure it out how human emotions work, why people feel bad for something which is not directly related to them but that is life, you never need to understand who shit of it, you just have to live and move on in life.

There has been a big dilemma in my mind in last few months, about being social or really not being social. My initial though about being social is great, but when you have to really do that thing, I am really bad at it. Meeting with people, keeping up to date, keeping all the social meeting and dates, I suck at all. For the once I agree with most of them that I am really most annoying person at these things, I give all the commitment and still end up not doing the same thing. I don’t what that is for, maybe I don’t want to do that or I am really afraid of doing new thing. I don’t, because I am not able to figure it out. It is very simple thing someone told me, you have to just decide about what to do and what not do, and tell straight people this is done and this is not, but practically I have failed to do that. I tried that one or two time but it ended in disaster.

The thing I regret doing in last few month is just hurting some friends, whom I should not have hurt. I know they all think of me a great deal, they will call me back once they go thought this face of emotional hurt from me, but then again I might hurt them. I never really want to do that, but I happen to me every other time. I choose to do thing which I feel is better of everyone, but something I could not convey that thing across the table, and my biggest let down has been this thing. It hurt people; they are hurt more by my silence rather than by my words.

I don’t know how to fix things, maybe with time I will learn that, for time being I am trying to make everything normal for me. When I look back today I realize how much things has been in mess because of my own behavior rather than because of others. For me things are always the same, I might not change the time, but somehow I might change the situation.

The happy part for me is that I am trying to solve all the things without fuss, I am happy people are upset with me, because they are upset of love and affection they have for me, maybe one day I will make everything normal, till that time I have to keep trying. 

A day without phone

Can you imagine a day in your life when you don’t have any phone with you, a day without phone? It might sound weird but I think we all need just one day a week without a phone to just be away with all the unwanted conversation with people. A day where you don’t have to worry about facebook, whatsapp, we chat and other dozen chat application in your phone. A day when you can forget about people who don’t like you but still comment and like your status on facebook and pin you on your BBM at random time to just check about your plan. I think in today we all deserve break from this virtual world, but it need really a bid heart to do so.

Let me confess I tried this once, let me tell you what happened. First of all the people who have not called me in the ages have called me to check about me, then my family member got worried because my phone was switch off and top of it every 5 minute I was checking my pocket that I have lost my phone and then reminding myself, you have just put your phone in home. Well it has become a habit to carry a phone, even when you sleep last thing you do is to check your phone and first thing is again checking your phone. May be earlier it was said that dog is human best friend but now that place has been taken by phone. But one thing I like to say living without mobile phone was much simpler and much easier. You were harder to reach and you maintain that exclusivity but now any one can reach you anytime and also anywhere, even in your bathroom if you carry your phone there.

 

If you don’t carry your phone for one day with you, you will not face many problems in life. You can spend you free time with the person with whom you want rather than being disturbed by your friend. It also gives you time to talk to the person whom you want to know face to face rather than on chat or on phone. And also it eliminate the photo factor, it irritate me when I see people taking photo on same place dozen times without even changing anything. Without phone you are more like being naturally you rather behaving like someone else. For whole day you are not worried about anything, like even while writing this blog I received tops of whatsapp message from friends, I just realized how much out life is depended on phone. Our phone is like our identity which we could not part away with. Just phone is the way you will spend your life.

I hope someday in my life I could decrease my dependency on phone. I just want to totally undo my dependency on phone, I should be using the phone when I need rather that phone using us and getting all the information which all the people need. May be slowly we will learn to live life without phone, but that is still quite a time go in such a day.

Happy father’s day

 Do we have to really celebrate the father’s day to show our love to him? I am not sure about that, we live in complex world today where thing has become more economic oriented, from mother day to father day. 

Somehow we Indian has also adopted the same, we are also now more commercial oriented, We celebrate the day as like there are no other day for this. But still if we can bring happiness in our fathers face on this one day then I don't have in issue in this day or any other day. For me personally all the days in the year is the father day or mother because they are the real reason behind what we are today.

Consider this, if we call around midnight to our fathers to say, “Dad, Happy father’s day”. I know what my dad will say, he will first ask is everything ok or not for thousand time. By the time I will convince him that yes I am ok and I called to wish you father’s day, for him days are from Monday to Sunday not like father to mother day. My dad is more of an old school thought where he don’t like to celebrate things, until and unless you give him something sweet to eat.

If you could ever remember one thing about dad, just think of a time when you were small kid and your dad used to take you school in his cycle, bike, car or any other transport and used to wait for you outside school. While returning home he used to always give you candy and ask you about your school days. I was fortunate that my dad has enough time for me, and he always visited me in school for parent meeting or any occasion when I was asked to bring him because I did something wrong in school.

If you ask me what we can do for our dad if we are outside of home like I do, you just call you dad every other day and just ask him about his health, life and just talk to him. There is no better give for any mom and day when you talk with them and hear them what they want to say. Someday we all will realize word is more precious than material things in life.

I can simple say that don’t call you father to say Happy father day, just call him to say dad we love you. Let’s fill our father life with word, joy and not with any other product which he might not need. Just he needs us in his life 356 days.

The broken Friendship

If you don’t trust anyone, never make him your friend otherwise you will lose chance of being friend with some who you can trust. I have never understood why people have to fake the friendship for the sake of it. 

There is one friend of mine, who used to be my good friend and frankly I thought he is one of my close friend. I used to share most of things in my life with him and also I used to think that he is one of them who are good person and truly a good friend, but when I look back today it all seems to be an illusion created by me. I never expected him to do anything for me, but just wanted that person to be true with me. I guess that never happens, what you expect from other and what they expect from you are always different. I just asked myself why it made me so upset. Why do I still think about that failed friendship?

The answer was simple, I have been so open to him that I expected the same from him, but it don’t happen the same way always, you can never govern the other people life and the way they are thinking, the way they behave with you. You can always do you part but you should not expect other one to do their part perfectly. There are so much human emotion involved in each relationship that you don’t know which one is true, some time you hate something and other day you love it. But people say friendship is above that, I thought so but it could not hold true in my case. I still feel angry about that thing why he has to hide from me so many things; I was not a good friend? What made my case more complicated is that he always told me lies but I came to know all things from someone else, and that hurt the most, our relationship changed.

I have questions which can’t be answered, you know if he says that you were not good friend and you never shared you life with me, so I could not do the same. I could understand that, I would have fine with it. Not everything can be shared with everyone I know, but you have to always share some part to the people you trust. Because they will always be with you, no matter what happens in life. I am still with that friendship, hanging in there but not sure when the true nature of friend will be back. I hope it does but not sure it will ever happen.

I always think of blaming lots of people for this, but I realized with time that other people can’t be hold responsible for the thing happen between me and him, It was down the life me or him responsible for this, because we allowed this to happen to us. After writing this piece may be I will feel much better because some time broken images hurt you most in life, no matter how much you try to heal it.

So it’s my birthday today

With each passing year in my life, I have started to enjoy my birthday less. I don’t why but the cakes, the party, the wishes and also some time unexpected party don’t give me same joy as it used to give me last year, maybe it is down to growing older which I don’t want to be. I just want to remain a kid which I know would not be possible, but somehow if I can maintain my innocence in life, that would be the best thing. I am feeling miserable, because I couldn’t understand how to react to this entire happy birthday thing each year. I should be happy that I have live one more year or I should be sad of losing one more year of my life, without doing much in life.

Read the line happy birthday saifi.. :)

Does any one remember the school time in our life, when we used to love the birthday (I don’t know about other but definitely I used to do that), we all used to wait for that day for whole one year in school. This was the only day in school life when we can wear any dress of our choice rather than our uniform and also lots of candies and chocolate where distributed in school and the best part was when whole school used to sing the birthday song for you. One of the best experience you can have because after that you where not bound to give them birthday party, yes that part we start to hate once we start to earn (this is my personal experience).

As we grow old, the same happiness starts to change with the birthday, while we start to take birthday more seriously for gifts from family, friends and who can give it and less for people who wishes us with heart, but this is also a passing period in life of yours, after a certain time we learn what is the importance of love and what is importance of gift (well gift part is still priority to me), but other thing changes as we move on in life.

But in last few years, the birthday has not given me the same joy as it used to give, maybe because now it has lost the innocence it used to do. People today don’t remember you for whole year but still somehow they drop a message on facebook with wishes, remember they will not remember it if facebook is not there, but there are always few people who make the day for you. They don’t wish you but make you feel embarrassed about your own birthday. I love the way they make me feel about me on my own birthday. Thanks raj, jayant, kshama and sleeping Khare sahab for that, well for record this year Jayant was the first person who wished me first. 

Well for record I am now 24 year old, and somehow hoping to make my life much better in next year, this is not written to offend anyone but it is simple reflection of change in time and friendship we are facing at current time. And on my blog I am officially saying thanks to few early people who dropped msg on my phone to wish me not on facebook. Rithesh babeee love you man for your wish, seriously I don’t expected it and also from an unknown number, who ever she or he is thanks for wishing me. 

P.S.: After so many I learned today that I share my birthday with one of my school mate, well not talked to him in long time but still it is weird that I never knew about it.

Few things I want to this year

With start of each year, I always prepare a list of things which I want to by the end of year. This year also I have prepared the same list and hoping to do most of the thing from this list. It is not the most difficult things to do but surely what is required is time and more so a dedication thing to do it.

Visiting Ladakh and Leh: I am not too sure about this thing, but if ever I want to visit some place in India it would be without a doubt will be this. Being a part of travel Industry I have still not visited one single place in last one year so this will be one place which I am planning to visit by this year. Some friends are already in the plan so this might be all boys trip this year which we are planning. This I will do some were in the middle of year after June, but surely this is one the top things to do this year. 

Learning a new Language: I have been always fascinated by the new languages; personally my preference would be Arabic language but will be open to learn any new language like Spanish, German. I think this would be an Ideal thing to improve your learning process, being in field where you have to always add something or other to just reinvent yourself, I thing this would be again a good learning thing for me.

More focused blogging: Till now I have been blogging about the entire thing that I can think of in my mind, but this year I want to make this a more focused process of blogging. I want to blog about travel, life and also about my personal interest. One thing I want to make sure that I don’t lose the blogging focus, I just want to continue it till the end of my life. It is some time funny to your old post and think about how you used to perceive the things in past. 

Reading more books: This year I want to read book of more different genres, till last year I have only read most of romantic fiction but now I just want to read book all around the world. The top of list would be Khalid Husaaini next, waiting for that book to come. Also I want to read some of Salman Rushdie work to know about it more, but definitely want to more books from different type of writer.

Most important

Finishing some unfinished work: There are lots of work in my life which is pending, I don’t know how to finish them but need to plan a work around on which I can finish the task. Some exams need to done with, some pending college work need to finished even though I have passed from college few years back and last need to give some more time to my life.

P.S: Most of things which are written here are the most important things in my life which has to be done this year and apart from this I have an unfinished list.

Let me go if you can move on

CCD around 8: 30 PM

As I entered the CCD (café coffey day), again the same smile on the face of the counter boy can be seen. I have been regular in the CCD for last 6 months since I have moved to new job. After office hour this has been the best place for me to do things I love. A cup of cappuccino can make you feel refresh even in the night. I signaled for the order and they knew what I need, that is the benefit of being regular customer. As I scanned the CCD on that day, it was Thursday so crowd was quite less at 8:30 PM, people where busy in each other. In whole CCD there where only three couple where there, and each one was totally different from each other. One was I think college going couple, because there were more interested in the photo taking rather than taking. Second one was an elder couple I think having a relax time over there. Third one was Interesting couple, they where seem to be newly married couple and just chit chatting with each other and little bit smile on other talk. Oh gosh, again the same old boring day in life. What is happening to my life? 

“Hello”, suddenly some sound breaks my dream word.

“Finally, you are here. I have been waiting for you around 30 min., gosh at least start coming on time If you are calling me at this time. I hate waiting for people”, I said in a serious tone. I know it would not affect her, as my 1000 screams have gone in waist. But still you want to say I Hate Waiting.

“Ok, whatever you are saying. Seriously just bear me for few more days after I will be busy”. She said in a sarcastic tone. I knew what she want to say but chose to avoid it. I tried to change the topic, “So all planning is done.  At least I deserve a better party then this Coffey”. She looked at me in a strange way and said. “Look I will give you a grand party, but you have to do a last pending work over this weekend”.

I know what she means by that, let me tell you about her something. She has been my friend since college days. We were not friends from first but yet we lasted the most. We never call each other on good thing happens, when we are happy but we know whom to call once we are down and need to cry hard. From starting I knew she was committed so hitting on her was way out of my idea. Any was none of this matter as she is getting married, that to arranged one. Someone would have told this to me a year back I would have laughed back at him. But that is life, strange but true. 

She forwarded me the Envelop, I opened it and saw and took a deep breath. “What you want me to do with this”, I asked him. I was impatient by the way it was all going on.

“Just give it to him and tell him to come on my marriage”, she said without looking at him. She was busy in adding Sugar to her Coffey. I find it hard to read her face but I knew girls can always there emotions and never let you what they are going inside. 

I have to invite her ex to the wedding of her. How strange it sounds, we all wait for our friends to get marriage so we can have a full party. I know in this case very few will be invited and more less will come. Personally I would also like to skip this wedding bash because it just remind him how good life it was and how unlucky my friend it is. I took the Envelop and moved on; I know have to do the toughest job in the word for my knowledge.  How he would reach, will he is still angry or normal? 

“Any message for him”, I asked her before leaving. “Just say to him, some question can only be answered by time so stop looking for it”. I know what she means by that. I moved out of CCD, took my metro to be ready for a journey, for first time I was really not liking the face I am meeting some old friend of mine. Strange how life changes in just few minutes and few decisions you take.