When you said, I am not your friend

The movement I read those words, something inside me felt like broken. I really felt bad about it, which just made me take a look inside myself. I realize the point that it was my mistake to not keep up to the point which I have agreed, and it was not acceptable but after all we all are human and we make mistake.

I don’t somehow I am unable to keep my friends happy all the time, intentionally or unintentionally I keep hurting them in a way, that keep distance from myself. I am little bad or you can worst to keep up with friends. I don’t call, I don’t text, I don’t meet lots of people, I don’t reply them on time, it is like totally unsocial person inside me which I can’t get out off. Whenever there is any brake in the friendship often when I look back, I found myself as a culprit, this one is also one of them.

I have lost so many friends in life, that after a point it stopped hurting me, people came and gone but I don’t care about any of them. But somehow this one has hurt me; I have made someone felt bad whom I never wanted to feel bad. I don’t know why it happens, but somehow losing courage to say the truth has cost me. There are people in life who are just beyond measure of BF and GF, they are just pure friends, I had few and in last one year I have lost both of them. Today was last straw in it, I know my mistakes have cost me, but somehow I thought they will understand me.

“She” has been with me when I was most alone in my life, I was away from home and I needed someone whom I can trust. She has been my sharing point and also the most entertaining point in life, no matter how busy our life have been, somehow or some where we got the chance to take and we just feel so better. Losing her has been my biggest loss, she is neither my GF nor my BFF but she was someone whom I know, I can count on.

Life goes on even when you feel low or you lose best thing in your life. I am learning that part, how to cope with it, but at time I feel what my mom says, “Saifi, one day you will be left alone, because you don’t mingle with anyone”, I think she know me perfectly that how unsocial his son is. Mom knows everything. I can’t do anything for it right now, no matter what I try, in a week I will be back to my usual self. I don’t know what will happen, I will be left alone, all the people will embrace me, but some time it is hard when people don’t understand and even don’t ask you about why you did it. 

Just feeling don’t know what

I have been running away from so many things in life for last few months, it is not possible to overlook all of them, but yes I admit to make mistakes. But my problem is being not able to say that, hands up I made mistake. For that part I have paid some heavy price in past and for some portion I am paying still. I never figure it out how human emotions work, why people feel bad for something which is not directly related to them but that is life, you never need to understand who shit of it, you just have to live and move on in life.

There has been a big dilemma in my mind in last few months, about being social or really not being social. My initial though about being social is great, but when you have to really do that thing, I am really bad at it. Meeting with people, keeping up to date, keeping all the social meeting and dates, I suck at all. For the once I agree with most of them that I am really most annoying person at these things, I give all the commitment and still end up not doing the same thing. I don’t what that is for, maybe I don’t want to do that or I am really afraid of doing new thing. I don’t, because I am not able to figure it out. It is very simple thing someone told me, you have to just decide about what to do and what not do, and tell straight people this is done and this is not, but practically I have failed to do that. I tried that one or two time but it ended in disaster.

The thing I regret doing in last few month is just hurting some friends, whom I should not have hurt. I know they all think of me a great deal, they will call me back once they go thought this face of emotional hurt from me, but then again I might hurt them. I never really want to do that, but I happen to me every other time. I choose to do thing which I feel is better of everyone, but something I could not convey that thing across the table, and my biggest let down has been this thing. It hurt people; they are hurt more by my silence rather than by my words.

I don’t know how to fix things, maybe with time I will learn that, for time being I am trying to make everything normal for me. When I look back today I realize how much things has been in mess because of my own behavior rather than because of others. For me things are always the same, I might not change the time, but somehow I might change the situation.

The happy part for me is that I am trying to solve all the things without fuss, I am happy people are upset with me, because they are upset of love and affection they have for me, maybe one day I will make everything normal, till that time I have to keep trying.