I have been running away from so many things in life for last few months, it is not possible to overlook all of them, but yes I admit to make mistakes. But my problem is being not able to say that, hands up I made mistake. For that part I have paid some heavy price in past and for some portion I am paying still. I never figure it out how human emotions work, why people feel bad for something which is not directly related to them but that is life, you never need to understand who shit of it, you just have to live and move on in life.
There has been a big dilemma in my mind in last few months, about being social or really not being social. My initial though about being social is great, but when you have to really do that thing, I am really bad at it. Meeting with people, keeping up to date, keeping all the social meeting and dates, I suck at all. For the once I agree with most of them that I am really most annoying person at these things, I give all the commitment and still end up not doing the same thing. I don’t what that is for, maybe I don’t want to do that or I am really afraid of doing new thing. I don’t, because I am not able to figure it out. It is very simple thing someone told me, you have to just decide about what to do and what not do, and tell straight people this is done and this is not, but practically I have failed to do that. I tried that one or two time but it ended in disaster.
The thing I regret doing in last few month is just hurting some friends, whom I should not have hurt. I know they all think of me a great deal, they will call me back once they go thought this face of emotional hurt from me, but then again I might hurt them. I never really want to do that, but I happen to me every other time. I choose to do thing which I feel is better of everyone, but something I could not convey that thing across the table, and my biggest let down has been this thing. It hurt people; they are hurt more by my silence rather than by my words.
I don’t know how to fix things, maybe with time I will learn that, for time being I am trying to make everything normal for me. When I look back today I realize how much things has been in mess because of my own behavior rather than because of others. For me things are always the same, I might not change the time, but somehow I might change the situation.
The happy part for me is that I am trying to solve all the things without fuss, I am happy people are upset with me, because they are upset of love and affection they have for me, maybe one day I will make everything normal, till that time I have to keep trying.